That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
