I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
