when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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