ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
