Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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