I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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