Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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