The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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