I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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