there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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