well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
