i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
