his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
