in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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