i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
