i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize