I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
