oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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