she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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