Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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