Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize