Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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