I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
