I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
