scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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