Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
