He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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