I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
