Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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