I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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