Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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