my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
