Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
