I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
