hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
