you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
