I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
