don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
