I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
