Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
