The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
