Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
