He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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