Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
