dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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