youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
