Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Randomize
