Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
