it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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