Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
