I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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