That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
