I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
