i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
