i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
