piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
