don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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