So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
