Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
