"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
